Tails magazine presents...

Wacky Pet Products

In Animal News on March 22, 2010 at 9:35 pm

“Let’s face it. You and your pet don’t share the same taste in music. That’s why TechnoPetz created iFeast, the portable pet feeding/watering system for your mp3 player. Meal time will never be the same for you pet with iFeast.”

No, this is not an actual product. The iFeast is parody created by The Onion, a satirical news website and publication, but the parody is not far off from some of the real products that pet owners can buy.

The Dog-O-Matic washer enables you to place your dog in a giant contraption that resembles an oversized microwave, close the door, choose your setting and press start. The only thing a dog loves more than a bath is being trapped in a small space, away from his owner while being deluged with soap and water. I’m fairly certain this is the canine equivalent of waterboarding.

One product that is clearly only geared towards male dogs are Neuticles, the synthetic canine testicular implants. Of course! How could we have gone this long without realizing that dogs need to have those rocks swinging between their legs to feel like a “real man?” For only $73, your pal Fido can be licking away like there’s no tomorrow on these fake, unnecessary misshapen balls of silicone.

If you’re not worrying about your dog’s testicles, you’re probably dreading that awful moment when you have to pick up after your dog has “made.” Problem solved. With the PooTrap or Magic Poop Collector, you’ll never have to worry about it again.  Unless of course you count attaching the difficult, 6-strap harness to your unwilling dog and then attaching the bag to the flimsy hooks, followed of course by bag removal after your precious pooch has filled said bag. Seems like a snap to me.

My personal favorite has to be the Doggone Thong, brought to you by Flat-D Innovations. No, unfortunately its purposes are not style related. The Doggone Thong is used to provide “flatulence odor control.” The thong attaches above the hips and then the tail is pulled through an odor-reducing sheet and finally the sheet is attached under the stomach to the hip band. No comment.

All of these products are real, and all should be subject to the Geneva Convention for animals. They are absurd, but provide some great entertainment, especially if you happen upon the infomercials late at night.

It seems as if the iFeast doesn’t look so ridiculous now. —Brendan Quealy

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